BREAKING NEWS: Obama to send Richard Simmons to Libya
BREAKING NEWS: Obama to send Richard Simmons to Libya by Bob Schneider on Thursday, February 24, 2011 at 9:59pm
This is breaking news from Washington: in a move which has shocked the international community, President Barak Obama will announce shortly he’s sending weight loss guru Richard Simmons, as Obama’s Special Envoy to try and persuade Kaddafi to stop killing his own people, and to resign. “I’ve been taking a ration of BS, some of it from my own party that I don’t care about what’s up in Libya. OK let’s be honest: how many Libyans are going to vote for me in just 18 months, answer me that one? The answer is ZERO. I have a domestic terrorist as Governor in Wisconsin, holding those patriotic union teachers hostage, and I’m supposed to worry about some old, worn out Ronald Reagan era problem? So to silence my critics, I’m sending Richard Simmons over there to kick some butt, and as only Richard can do.”
The President stated in remarks, shared with his foreign policy team, and the CIA. Simmons, who put on his best purple blazer for the ceremony, which included some members of Congress, ushered in via the tunnels under the Capitol, to a secure room next to the Cafeteria on the House Side in the basement of the Capitol Building. In a secret briefing, with Barney Frank, Nancy Pelosi, Ron Paul, his son Rand Paul, and Senator Larry Craig; Simmons disclosed he has a prior relationship with Kaddafi: “ Mohmar started writing me at my site , and he told me lots of personal stories about his life. I'm talking about things he might not tell other members of his family like that totally butch and handsome son of his, or even any of his spouses. I've been around for a long time and he’s really come to trust me...and my opinion. I'm truly honored by that.” Simmons told a shocked audience. He continued: “President Kaddafi is really a tortured soul. He’s been having to buy kaftans in larger and larger sizes, killed a bunch of people because he said they bought scales which lie about his weight. He’s in denial, and not feeling good about himself, and that makes me sad. I want to help.” I can help.
Ron Paul was quick to agree with the President on this one: “I’m pleased to see the President finally has recognized those damn Jews are behind it all, and we should cut their damn aid off, and spend the money in my congressional district instead,” the elder Paul said. Senator Rand Paul, fresh from electro-shock therapy was quick to agree: “I’m a happy unicorn, and about to shit myself” the younger Paul said, obviously still having some issues from the electro-shock procedure. Senator Larry Craig is also hopeful about this new move: “I first met Richard at a glory hole in San Francisco. If he is nothing else, he is discreet, and if he can walk on all fours, and bark like a dog, and I know he can from personal experience, he’ll have things right as rain with this Kaddafi character in short order. Nancy Pelosi didn’t speak, due to a bit too much Botox in a recent procedure, but did stamp her left foot three times, signaling her approval.
So there you have it. Obama is bringing the full weight of American foreign policy and Richard Simmons’ organ to bear down on the Libyan situation. Resolution is at hand; so to speak.